It's Sunday evening. Your partner allows the eight-year-old another half-hour of tablet time, even though you agreed on no screens before bedtime. You feel your frustration rising—here we go again with this disagreement. But instead of falling into the parenting trap, there are ways that can strengthen both of you and provide security for your child.

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The Different Parenting Styles: Authoritarian vs. Permissive – Pros and Cons

Parenting styles exist on a spectrum. At one end is the authoritarian style: clear rules, high expectations, little room for negotiation. At the other end is the permissive style: a lot of freedom, few boundaries, children often making their own decisions.

Both have their merits—and their downsides:

  • Authoritarian: Children learn discipline and structure but may become anxious or rebellious when they have no room for their own decisions.
  • Permissive: Children develop creativity and self-confidence but may struggle with boundaries and frustration tolerance.

Most parents fall somewhere in between—and this is where conflicts arise when partners take different positions. The good news: Differences are normal and can even be valuable when you learn to use them constructively.

How Different Opinions Affect the Child – And What They Really Need

Studies show: Children benefit from a consistent yet flexible parenting approach. When parents constantly contradict each other, the child may become confused or learn to pit one parent against the other.

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However, total agreement is not necessary. What children really need is:

  • Predictability: They want to know what to expect—even when Mom and Dad react differently.
  • Respect between the parents: Children sense when parents appreciate each other, even amidst disagreements.
  • Security: The assurance that both parents love them and are there for them, independent of parenting details.

Researchers at the University of Zurich found that children whose parents treat each other with respect are emotionally more stable—even when parenting styles vary. The key lies in the how, not the what.

Techniques for Constructive Debate: How to Regulate Your Emotions

When opinions clash, it helps to consciously step back. Here are three proven techniques:

1. Hit the Pause Button

Instead of discussing in the heat of the moment, agree on a code word (e.g., “Timeout”). Take a deep breath, step away briefly, and come back later—when emotions have cooled.

2. Use the “I-Message”

Instead of saying, “You always allow too many sweets!” say, “I’m worried about the teeth and feel overlooked when we don’t coordinate.” This opens doors rather than slamming them shut.

Watercolor illustration showing a hand-drawn chart on cream paper with three labeled sections: PAUSE (with a small clock icon), I-MESSAGE (with a heart icon), and TEAM-QUESTION (with two stick figures holding hands). Soft watercolor splashes in mint green, coral, and sky blue around the edges, gentle shadows suggesting natural light, close-up perspective, shallow depth of field, warm and inviting educational poster style

3. Ask the Team Question

Ask yourselves: “What is best for our child—long-term?” This question shifts the focus away from “Who is right?” to “What serves our common goal?”

Emotional regulation is like a muscle: The more often you practice, the easier it becomes. Breathing exercises, short walks, or keeping a journal can help you recognize your triggers.

Expert Opinions and Studies: What Research Says

Dr. Diana Baumrind, a pioneer in parenting style research, emphasizes: The authoritative style (not authoritarian!)—a mix of warmth and clear boundaries—best promotes emotional and social development in children.

A long-term study from the University of Cambridge showed that children whose parents communicate respectfully despite disagreements develop better conflict resolution skills and higher emotional intelligence.

It's also important: Disagreement in front of the child is not inherently harmful. Children learn that people can have different views—as long as the discussion remains respectful and doesn’t escalate into a quarrel.

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Resources and Support: You Are Not Alone

Sometimes professional help is needed to break free from entrenched patterns. Here are valuable contact points:

  • Parenting Counseling Centers: Many communities in Switzerland offer free or low-cost counseling (e.g., through parental advice services).
  • Parent Education Workshops: Courses like “Strong Parents – Strong Children” or “Triple P” provide concrete tools for everyday parenting.
  • Couples Therapy: If parenting conflicts strain the partnership, systemic couples therapy can open new perspectives.
  • Online Platforms: Forums and support groups provide opportunities to connect with other parents in similar situations.

Remember: Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Every family is unique, and sometimes a neutral outside perspective is needed.

Growing Together: The Path to Joint Parenting

Different parenting styles don’t have to be a trap—they can be an opportunity to learn from one another. Perhaps your partner brings the lightness you sometimes miss. Perhaps you provide the structure they lack.

The key lies in respect, openness, and a willingness to grow together. Sit down regularly—without kids, without distractions—and talk about your values, fears, and hopes. Find your own way that suits your family.

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And don’t forget: Perfection doesn't exist. Even if you disagree sometimes, even if a word is said in the heat of the moment—you are a team. And your child senses that when you treat each other with love and respect.

You can do this. Together.