Masturbation in Relationships: How to Talk Openly and Without Jealousy

You lie in bed, your partner is already asleep – and you wonder if it’s okay to masturbate. Or you discover that your partner is doing it secretly, and suddenly jealousy gnaws at you: "Am I not enough?" Such moments can feel lonely, even though you are together. But there is a way out: honest, relaxed conversations that bring you closer instead of separating you.

Why Secrecy Creates Distance – and How Openness Connects

Many couples hide their solo moments out of shame or fear of hurting the other. Yet these secrets create emotional distance. When you hide something, you unconsciously build a wall – and your partner senses that something is wrong, even if they don’t know exactly what.

Masturbation is completely normal in most relationships and can be very fulfilling. Many people reach climax faster and more intensely themselves – it has nothing to do with a lack of love or attraction. It’s simply a different way to experience one’s own body.

Being honest about sexual needs can strengthen intimacy and trust – and sometimes even spice up your love life. When you talk openly about it, no one feels excluded or inadequate. Instead, space is created for understanding and joint growth.

What Jealousy Really Means

Jealousy often arises from insecurity: "Why does my partner need this if they have me?" It’s important to understand: Masturbation does not replace a partnership – it complements it. Solo moments are me-time, not a rejection of you.

• Jealousy often reflects personal fears ("Am I enough?"), not real issues
• Open communication removes the power of jealousy
• Understanding grows when both can express their needs

How to Talk About Masturbation Relaxedly: Your Toolbox

A good sex life significantly depends on your ability to talk to each other and find compromises. But how do you start such a conversation without it becoming awkward? Here are practical strategies that really help.

The Right Time and Place

Do not discuss the topic in a conflict or right after sex. During a conflict, our brain is set to stress, not solutions. Instead, choose a calm moment – perhaps while taking a walk or cooking together.

• Consciously set aside time: "Can we talk about something calmly tonight?"
• Choose a neutral place (not the bedroom if that is loaded)
• Ensure you won’t be disturbed (put away phones, kids in bed)

Using I-Messages

Instead of saying, "You do this secretly!" say: "I feel insecure when I don’t know how you feel about masturbation." I-messages help your partner feel less attacked and be more receptive.

Examples of I-messages:

• "I sometimes wonder if we have different needs – can we talk about it?"
• "I want to understand what feels good to you so I don’t feel excluded."
• "I have the sense that we could both benefit from more openness."

Practice Active Listening

Listen to your partner without planning your response in your head. Try to truly understand what they are feeling. Reflect back in your own words: "If I understand you correctly, then…" – this shows genuine interest.

Understanding the Difference: Solo vs. Together

Masturbation and sex with a partner are two different experiences – and both have their place. One does not replace the other. Solo moments are often quicker, more focused, and pressure-free. Shared intimacy brings closeness, connection, and the feeling of "we".

Why both are important:

• Solo: Self-care, stress relief, exploring one's own sexuality
• Together: Emotional bonding, mutual giving, shared experiences
• Both forms can coexist without competing

If your partner masturbates, it doesn’t mean you are failing. It means that he or she is also nurturing a relationship with themselves – and that’s healthy. You should both be able to clearly express your needs and actively ask, rather than having to magically guess what the other needs.

Copy-Paste Conversation Starters: How to Initiate the Conversation

Sometimes the right words are simply missing. Here are concrete sentences you can use directly – tailored to your situation.

If you want to initiate the conversation:

• "I’d like to talk more openly with you about our sexuality – including the things we do alone. Would that be okay with you?"
• "I’ve noticed that we never talk about masturbation. I think it shouldn’t be a taboo. What do you think?"
• "Sometimes I feel the need for solo time, and I don’t want you to think it has anything to do with you. Can we talk about it?"

If you feel jealous:

• "I notice that I sometimes become insecure when I think about you masturbating. Can you help me understand what that means for you?"
• "I know my jealousy is irrational, but I feel it anyway. Can we find a way to deal with it together?"
• "I’m not saying I want you to stop – I just want to understand so I don’t feel excluded."

If you both want to be more open:

• "What if we share what feels good for us – without pressure to do it together?"
• "I feel we could both be freer if we know the other is okay with it. What do you think?"
• "Let’s set a rule: we can ask anytime, and say no anytime – without guilt."

From Conversation to Connection: What Comes Next

A single conversation won’t resolve all uncertainties – but it opens the door. Stay in dialogue. Ask questions when something is unclear. Share your feelings, even as they change.

Some couples find it helpful to set boundaries together: "I just want to know you love me – I don’t need the details." Others enjoy sharing more openly. There is no right or wrong – only what works for both of you.

Practical steps after the first conversation:

• Check-in after a few days: "How do you feel about our conversation?"
• Remain curious instead of judgmental: "Tell me more" instead of "I don’t understand that"
• Celebrate small progress: Just voicing your thoughts is brave
• Be patient with yourselves and each other – trust grows slowly

And remember: You are a team. Masturbation is not betrayal, but a part of your individual self-care. By learning to talk about it, you will not only become more open in this area – but in your entire relationship.